Thank each of you so much for your heartfelt sympathies. I am so blessed by each of you, some whom I will never meet until heaven.
A couple years ago, I was privileged to go through the Beth Moore study on Esther with a couple friends. An illustration I remember from that study has continually gone through my head through the past weeks. It was about turning the "what if?" questions into an "if, then" statement. Each one of us have had a "what if?" moment. Some even live in the fear of the hypothetical. It can be a scary, scary place. But turning it into an "if, then" makes it more concrete, an easier place to stand, but only if the "then" is something we can trust.
That is when we must realize the "then" is God. If the worst happens, if all that we have is stripped away, if the world around us is shattered - THEN GOD. He will never change. He is still perfect. He is still just. He still extends the grace, love, healing & mercy found only in what He did on the cross. He is still working all things according to His plan. He is still coming again.
Having two beautiful healthy children already, I would often look at them and think I was pushing things, that it was all a little to good to be true. Even before the pregnancy, I had a feeling that I would end up losing my next baby. And I did. My "what if?" happened. I have many friends and family who have lost a little one to miscarriage. Now I know how it feels. But it hasn't sent me reeling like I worried it would in the "what ifs?" of a few months ago. God had prepared my heart beforehand in planting the idea and He is here in the after - He is the same.
Then - GOD!
Each life is a gift. Each life is a miracle. The days I am blessed to spend with my two children here on earth cannot be taken for granted before the Lord. I am learning to thank Him more for what He has given. But more than that, I am also seeking to thank Him for what He is - not just in what He has given - but what He is in His very nature. I do not ever have to worry that He will disappear tomorrow. I don't ever have to worry that He will leave me on my own.
A miscarriage is a smaller "what if?", but I can rest in the knowledge that, whatever may come or go, He is, He was & He will be. And that will never, ever change no matter the "what ifs" that become reality along the way.
As I unclench a fist holding tight to my fears, it becomes free to take hold of His hand and walk together - even through the valley of the shadow.