Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Things That Happen When Mama Goes To The Bathroom

Okay, I confess, I sometimes go to the bathroom simply to sit on the closed toilet lid and ponder my life.  Sometimes I'm in there for legitimate reasons.  But call of nature or not, there is no end to the things that happen the minute I shut that bathroom door and sink my weary bones onto the cool porcelain.  So while three of these things happened simultaneously today, I began compiling a list in my head and thought I'd share them with you.

Things That Happen When Mama Goes To The Bathroom

- Child A will hit Child B and both will proceed to scream bloody murder.

- Child A will start yelling about the highly illegal behavior of Child B.

- Child(ren) will open the door and begin asking a ceaseless stream of questions.

- Child(ren) will open the door and just stare.

- Child B will suddenly realize his deep and abiding need for your constant visible presence and will begin hurling his small body on the door while weeping the bitter tears of abandonment.

- The UPS man will knock on your door.

- The neighbor will knock on your door.

- The Jehovah's Witnesses will knock on your door.

- Child A will answer the door, explain Mama's current situation and then helpfully bring the package/cookies/literature to the bathroom for you.  Lecture on opening door to strangers soon to follow.

- Husband will knock on locked back door because large snowdrifts impede movement to front door and he needs you to undo the deadbolt.

- The telephone will begin to ring...and ring...and ring...

- The oven timer for the bread you put in 40 minutes ago will go off and beep...and beep...and beep…

- The alarm clock which was jacked by the night’s power outage will go off and beep...and - you get the picture.

- The power will go out.

- A child will start vomiting.

- Child A will suddenly need to use the (only) toilet.

- Child B will blow out their diaper and start tracking it through the house.

And the worst:

- Sudden silence will ring in your eardrums causing you to freak and need to investigate ASAP.

I love being a mom.
No really, I do :-)


Kathy said...

Oh I love this post. So funny but so true.

Libba said...

fantastic post. hilarious. what a life!

Jamie Laslo said...

Yes, silence IS the most terrifying sound.

Tiffany said...


Jenna B. said...

Hannah, this is hilarious!